Monday, July 12, 2010

Boom Edan

Boom Edan - Hangman Pulley [w/ Smell The Rope]
no label CDR

The Crown versus Boom Edan
The scene: an English court room, Oak panels, dust motes, a scattering of assembled functionaries and in the dock PC Tone Deaf who is looking down at a flip top note book whilst scratching his ear with a Bic. The judge looks down at him ...
Judge: So you’re saying that this noise CD is a crime against the Crown PC Tone Deaf?

PC Tone Deaf: Yus, you Honour.

Judge: Could you explain to the court exactly why it is you feel this release should receive a custodial sentence.

PC Tone Deaf [adjusting stance to face the jury whilst reading from his notebook]. Well, your Honor ... it’s rubbish.

Judge [sounding a little exasperated]. I’m afraid you’ll have to be a little more detailed in your evidence PC Tone Deaf. I can hardly pass sentence just because you say its rubbish can I? I What is it that offends your ears so?

PC Tone Deaf; [nervously casting a look across the courtroom to a thin youth who’s sat arms folded with a scowl] it was about five minutes into the first track and I thought [reads carefully from notebook] that this sounds almost like The Incapacitants except its rubbish.

Judge; Now we’re getting somewhere. To me The incapacitants are the epitome of what psychedelic noise is all about; transcendental phases of mind altering bliss that carry the listener along as if in some kind of drugged fug and you’re saying that this, this [picks up CD from bench] this isn’t like The Incapacitants at all and that it’s rubbish?

PC Tone Deaf: [triumphantly] Yes, your Honour.
Judge: Let me get this right. All of this release sounds like a crap version of The Incapacitants?

PC Tone Deaf: [nervously] er ... no your Honour.

Judge: Explain yourself then.

PC Tone Deaf: [more confidently now] The second track of this two track release tries to be Neil Campbell when he was setting off in search of the early drone mother lode in the early nineties.

Judge [looking quizzical] So I’d hear lots of buzzing and the keys of a cheap keyboard pressed into clumps in a bid to secure a certain levitation of the soul?

PC Tone Deaf: [more triumphantly now] yes, your Honour!

Judge: Its a game of two halves then Tone Deaf. Do you feel that the better second track outweighs the, as you call it ‘rubbish’ on the first?

PC Tone Deaf: Only slightly your Honour. It’s not as if we’re entering new territory here and as good as it is, it’s not going to get the noise/drone punters all that excited.

Judge: [squinting at the tiny writing on a CD sleeve over the top of his half moon glasses]. and who is this Smell The Rope?

PC Tone Deaf: I’ve no idea your Honour. An extensive search was taken of the Myspace website but no person of that name was forthcoming. I can only assume that Smell The Rope is a collaborator in the so called Scottish noise scene thats now taken root in certain Scottish cities like Glasgow and Edinburgh.

Judge; [having now taken his glasses off and rubbing the bridge of his noise with thumb and forefinger, eyes shut, pondering his next question] … From what I can gather then Tone Deaf this is neither one thing or the other?

PC Tone Deaf: [seriously, with jutting chin] That about sums it up yes.

Judge: [To clerk of Court] Please bring forward the defendant. Thank you for your evidence PC Tone Deaf. What you do is of great service to us. [then almost to himself] I shudder to think of the crap that comes out of your speakers. [ then to the defendant who’s now stood in the dock staring down at his shoes hands behind back]. Boom Edan you are charged with bringing into this world a ‘rubbish’ noise/drone CD of uncertain provenance. It is granted that the burgeoning Scottish noise scene needs all the help it can get but as has been shown, your release is what could be coined ‘a bit dodgy’ and remedial only in patches. I sentence you to one week of listening to the Der Blutharsch without breaks.

[Defendant leaves the dock screaming whilst having to be restrained by PC Tone Deaf].

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